


The Tryst of  Eternal Stench

by UnequalAsp



Category: Labyrinth
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 04:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18358883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnequalAsp/pseuds/UnequalAsp
Summary: Jareth invites Sarah on a date. But what happens when the Goblin King gets accidentally pushed into The Bog of Eternal Stench mere hours before she is due to arrive! With the fate of his future happiness at stake, our tight-panted monarch must overcome trials, obstacles &, most importantly his huge ego.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Labyrinth, not even a single, small goblin.

Somewhere around mid-afternoon on a wet Tuesday, Sarah Williams; Heroine, Independent Woman & Champion of the Labyrinth, was cheerfully conquering her latest foe. As she folded the last shirt in the laundry pile with a practiced flourish, contemplating the cosmic importance of matching socks, her thoughts were interrupted by an insistent clinking sound. A sound which seemed to be coming from her bedroom. More importantly, from her bedroom mirror, the old one from before she moved.

Deciding that a mysterious noise inspection seriously trumped correctly aligned clothing, Sarah threw the socks in her hand down in an act of defiance to no-body in particular and brightly announced, "Come on feet!".

The sound grew louder as she entered her room; a somewhat more mature and elegant version of her teenage bedroom. Squinting closer at the mirror she noticed something flashing on the other side.

"It couldn't be" she muttered quietly.

Sarah leaned in closer.

*clink*

Stepping back quickly, she almost tripped as a crystal formed in the mirror, perfectly round with rainbow smudges that caught in the light. It clinked softly at the glass from the other side.

"Oh, not again!" she declared loudly.

Sarah's eyebrows shot into her hairline as the crystal proceeded to squeeze itself, slowly and with some obvious difficulty, through the glass, arriving in her bedroom with a resounding *POP*. Floating a few feet in front of her, level with her chest, the crystal seemed to be patiently waiting for her to do something.

To say Sarah was speechless was akin to saying the labyrinth was a bit twisty.

Contemplating the options in front of her, she quickly formed a mental list of mysterious-crystal-touching potential consequences. All of which featured a varying degree of leather, glitter and regrets. Biting her lip, Sarah took a tentative step forward, slowly reached out her hand to touch the top of the crystal. She squinted slightly, as if waiting for it to burn her fingers.

A sudden flash of light and distant thunder filled Sarah's awareness, momentarily disorienting her. As she cautiously opened her eyes, her subconscious was already expecting the worst.

And, there he was, in all his tight panted, glittering glory.

"Hello, Sarah" came the familiar, smooth clipped tone.

Jareth.

Her fingers were still outstretched, reaching for a crystal that was replaced by, well, a man, or not a man, a something else? A significant amount of something else either way.

It had been so long, her dusty old memory of him and her time in the labyrinth paled in comparison to the hi-res reality of the Goblin King standing bold as brass in the middle of her modest bedroom. She drank in the presence of him, from his wild blonde hair and imperiously quirked eyebrow to his aggressive eye shadow and high, black leather boots.

Resisting the urge to sigh, Sarah realised her hand was still outstretched, frozen a hairsbreadth from his chest. She snapped it back to her side, trying to stifle an involuntary blush.

She had no idea why he was here after all this time, but she enjoyed that he had bothered to dress up for the occasion. Apparently, facing her still required armor.

Sarah took a slow, steadying breath and squared her chin at him. Facing him down once again yet floundering for something to say.

Well, what can you say to your childhood nemesis, particularly when it's been years and he's featured in most of your waking fantasies. The sound of him tutting brought the present back into focus.

"What? Not going to greet an old friend, Sarah?" he asked, in an amused drawl "Your manners are slipping, dear."

"Why are you here, Jareth?" Sarah demanded, pissed that he'd caught her off guard. He smirked at her, clearly pleased to have gotten a rise.

"I have something for you" he offered. "Let me guess, it's a crystal? Nothing more." Sarah quipped, rolling her eyes.

He chuckled darkly, his mis-matched eyes never once leaving hers.

"No, Sarah," he replied "I want to invite you somewhere." Sarah's mind was still replaying the way he languidly pronounced her name. Belatedly catching up to the conversation, disbelief took hold. "Oh, it's an invitation this time is it? Not a kidnapping?" Sarah retorted archly "How generous of you, your Majesty!"

The Goblin King raised one eyebrow slowly and moved closer into Sarah's space, "I believe we have previously discussed at great length, just how generous I can be."

Brushing a stray hair behind her ear in a vain attempt at maintaining control of herself, Sarah asked "Where is it exactly that you're inviting me to? Are we off to poach a child or two? Or perhaps the goblins are off sick today?"

Jareth stared directly at Sarah for a moment longer than felt necessary then abruptly took a step back. A movement so fluid it happened within a blink of the eye.

"If only. Even a mere hour without their imbecilic cacophony would be a welcome boon and," he paused to smirked, a smirk which broke into a grin revealing pointed canines "I'm not sure you're quite up to the challenge of "poaching", as you put it." Jareth's eyes locked back onto her with predatory focus. "No, my Sarah, I merely wish to invite you to my castle, to dine, with me." He finished with a flourish of his gloved hands, gesturing to, well, all of himself.

Sarah frowned "To dine." She repeated. "With you."

"Did I not enunciate correctly or are you trying to wound my ego, Precious?" He quipped, "All I ask is that you join me for supper, enjoy my remarkably good company and I will deposit you safely back here before midnight." The Goblin King leaned in conspiratorially and dropped his voice "And, don't worry, I won't serve you peaches... unless you ask for them." He laughed his dark laugh again as memories flashed over Sarah's vision. A deep, blue gem-encrusted coat, his hand holding hers as they danced, spinning, breathing in his thrilling scent while a voice crooned in her ear... "As the world falls down..."

Sarah hadn't noticed that Jareth had returned her personal space back to her and was now standing with his hands on his hips. "My invitation does require an answer." With a gesture of his hand he produced a large clock, dark and decorated with goblins and grotesques. It suspended in the air between them. "Time is ticking, Sarah, and there are places I need to be, children to steal and all that. What will it be?" The look in his eyes belied the lightness of his tone. This meant more to him than he was letting on and Sarah's hearty, inbuilt curiosity needed to know more.

"You'll bring me straight back?" She asked.

A slight flicker across his aquiline face was all of the surprise he gave away at her reply, he had been bracing against rejection. The clock disappeared with a soft whoosh. "All in one piece, providing you avoid the Fireys." He replied jauntily.

Sarah narrowed her eyes and bit her lower lip, searching for a solid reason to say no to a dinner with a captivating host in a fantastical castle, it's not like the laundry was begging for her to go back to it. "Alright, I'll join you." she said.

"Excellent." All business again, Jareth produced a crystal with a flick of his wrist. Sarah startled for a moment and stepped back. Catching her eye and grinning enough to show off his canines again, Jareth chuckled darkly and blew the crystal across the room towards Sarah's full length mirror where it popped causing a shimmering ripple across the surface.

"I have enchanted your mirror." The king announced "Simply step through it at eight pm sharp and it will convey you to my castle. Until then," he slunk in closer "Precious thing." Sarah was overly aware of her diminishing personal space, it was completely full of armored Goblin King who was leaning in closer and closer. She was convinced he was going to kiss her, she felt his soft, wild hair brush against her cheek. His deep, intoxicating scent filled her. His head turned towards her and Sarah felt warm breath against her cheek, her eyes slipped closed.

Nothing happened.

Sarah opened her eyes to find herself standing in a puddle of glitter, heart pounding as it continued to rain down around her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Labyrinth. If I did, I would be wandering around the Escher Room with a cup of peppermint tea looking for the closet containing the leather pants.

 

A thunderclap rang out from Throne Room inside the Castle Beyond the Goblin City. Free ranging chickens squawked at the noise; a couple flying into the rafters, a couple flying into the walls. Goblins of various shapes and sizes cackled and whooped the return of their illustrious overlord. Some cheering the arrival with ale.

The Goblin King stepped out of a cloud of glitter, inordinately pleased with himself. Strutting towards the first huddled group of goblins in his long, striding path, Jareth grinned a devilish grin. 

"Well chaps, how do you think it went?" he asked 

They each clamored to shout over the other; "Great boss!", "Yeah!", "Very nice your kingliness!"

Jareth openly preened his ego, "Yes, I felt I was suitably intimidating, infuriatingly charming with just a touch of dramatic flair." The king struck a pose. "Oh yes, Sarah didn’t know what had hit her!" he laughed heartily, then stopped and cocked an eyebrow at his befuddled subjects. They caught on pretty quickly and began to laugh uproariously, "Yeah!" some shouted, another cried "Woo king!" One cheered along with the rest then dumbly questioned, "Wait, you hit 'er?" The other goblins all collectively groaned.

Bored of their filmy fawning now, Jareth sighed the sigh of the exasperated, "No, you snivelling snotwipe." He flounced over to his arced throne, carelessly throwing a long, leather-clad leg over the side. "She was simply overwhelmed with my presence." he explained. The king touched a gloved finger to his lips, seemingly lost in thought before a slow burning smile crept over his face. "Did you see the part where she blushed that pleasant shade of pink?" He asked nobody in particular.

"Yes Majesty" a few had caught on to the king's polarizing moods. "Huh?" a few had not.

The dumb goblin cautiously asked "So.. did she say 'Yes' then?" 

The Goblin King rose from his throne in a single angry movement "Of course she said yes!" He zeroed in on the group containing the questioning goblin who densely stared straight ahead at the advancing monarch. Jareth continued "I warn you idiots. The elasticity of my patience only stretches so far. Continue to test me and there will be boggings for everyone! I’ll not have my prowess slighted by any of you worthless cretins."

The entire Goblin Court shuffled it's collective feet, hooves and claws, momentarily stunned into silence by the rage of their sovereign. "Yes, king" they mumbled "O' 'course, Sire."

Mollified, the Goblin King swiveled on his heel and strode back to his throne. In a remarkably lighter tone he said, "Now then, back to matters of importance. You don’t think my entrance was too strong, do you? Maybe it needed more glitter." he pondered.

With the threat of a lifetime stinking like The Bog of Eternal Stench hanging over them like the Sword of Damocles, the goblins bravely attempted to guess the correct answer, "Yer?" some said, "No?" the others replied.

"Imbeciles." Jareth sighed and put his head in his gloved hands.

"See, old boy, this is exactly why we need to lure Sarah back here. At the very least, so that we can enjoy a more scintillating level of conversation." Jareth's inner voice offered. "And at the very most..." The inner voice drifted away as a wistful expression drifted over the Goblin King's face, a montage of images passed through his vision. Lifetimes spent walking through the Enchanted Forest, her small hand in his. Chasing her through his Labyrinth, her laugh his only clue to her whereabouts. Evenings spent under the Underground stars, he'd make the constellations dance for only her. And, the nights.. oh, the nights.

The grating sound of something trying to clear it's throat brought Jareth cruelly back to the cacophony of the Throne Room. He looked up to see Hoggle standing in front of him, shuffling from foot to foot with his cap screwed up between his gnarled hands. "Er, sorry to interrupt yer Highness, but there’s, err, sort of a situation." he said.

Leaning his head back and looking towards the heavens, in what it almost universally known as the 'Give Me Strength!" pose, the Goblin King dramatically sighed, then seemed to rally himself. Turning to stare down the gardener with his third most intimidating expression, he asked, "What kind of a situation? Spit it out Hogweed."

Hoggle shuffled a little more, it was an intimidating glare after all. "Well, it involves the Fireys, a batch of overly ripe peaches and the Bog, yer King, sir." he explained, "Turns out the peaches tha’ went bad became, well, potent. An’ them flaming fools have been out there all mornin’ collecting them up and drinkin’ the juices."

Jareth raised one carefully painted eyebrow, "So, we have Fireys imbibing fermented peaches. I can image the damage must be significant for you to have hobbled out of your crabby little garden to bother me. What have they done now?" he asked.

No longer worried that the King would shoot the proverbial messenger for delivering the news, Hoggle threw himself into his account with added gusto.

"Well, lets see, there was a mishap with a missing head, but then it was found again an' it started a game of Fireyball..."

"Naturally" said the King, dead-pan.

"...But, then a few wandering passers-by got involved an' it became popular, yer see, an’ before long the game got a bit out of hand..."

"Predictably" came the response.

"...Only, now the 'ole lot of 'em have moved the game over to The Bog of Eternal Stench!" He paused. "Loser gets bogged." Hoggle finished, breathless.

Jareth pursed his lips before responding in an upbeat cadence. "So, we’ve devolved from inebriated Firey's to a high-stakes, cross species game of Who-Can-Catch-The-Head-Without-Falling-In-The-Bog? Am I correct, Hogwitch?"

"The head is also inheebriat’d, yer Majesty." Hoggle solomnly stated "Meaning it don’t go where it’s thrown. Unpredictable, as it were." he added.

Jareth sighed. "Splendid. Well, it looks like I’m going to have to deal with this shambles before I can take care of seducing Sarah into staying here." 

Standing to his full height, the Goblin King turned to the gathered, assorted goblins. "Try not to screw anything up while I'm gone or I'll have to invent a new punishment worthy of my temper." He announced and then promptly disappeared. There was significantly less residual glitter this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Sorry it's just a short by sweet one, the story made more sense to pause here.
> 
> Please review, they're like cat treats for writers!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Labyrinth. Or a Bog.

Deep within the labyrinth, the single largest game of Fireyball in Underground living memory was currently being held at the Bog of Eternal Stench. Crowds had gathered, goblin ale was being passed about in abundance and a large group of fairies were singing bawdy songs, drunk on fermented peaches. All in all, the Bog had adopted a similar atmosphere to that of the final day of a week-long music festival.

"Heads up, mon!" A decapitated Firey batted his own laughing head over the stinking pond towards a ragged looking hobgoblin sporting a large blue mustachio on the opposite shore, who performed a neat little volley, sending the head sailing towards a Helping Hand which was sticking out of the rock face. The Helping Hand slapped the Firey head, which whooped even harder, sending it flying straight over a group of grasping goblins' heads, causing them to all tumble backwards in unison, like penguins observing aviation flyovers. Even the chickens were getting involved. One decided to take flight at entirely the wrong moment causing it to be mistaken for the ball.

"Two balls in the air!" Squeaked a female goblin on a large boulder who was wearing a filthy apron. She seemed to be acting as an umpire to the whole event. "Double points!" she declared. The crowds cheered enthusiastically.

At that moment, Ludo came crashing out of a nearby bush bellowing "Ball", Ludo Ball!" The large, orange beast laid waste to the gathered crowds in his eagerness to reach the centre of the game. Following closely behind; Sir Didymus, atop his faithful canine, Ambrosius, was attempting to stop his comrade, "Halt! My brother! Halt! I beg thee! The King will not approve of this, I assure you we will get in trouble! Brother!" he cried.

Paying the small fox no mind, Ludo leaped into the air and grabbed the unfortunate chicken mid-flight between his meaty paws, proclaiming "BALL!" and jumping up and down on the spot. That was, until the chicken pecked it's way to freedom and took flight over the Bog. Double points were still in play.

An armored goblin brandishing a nipper on a stick, drunkenly swung for the inbound Firey's head as it flew towards them and hit it so hard it soared into the nearby forest. Ambrosius caught this swift movement through the dense foliage of his fur and abruptly turned to chase after the 'ball', carrying an unwilling Sir Didymus along for the lumbering ride, "No, Ambrosius! I said 'No'. Ambrosius haaaalt!" His voice became distant as Ludo, Ambrosius and Sir Didymus, along with a small assorted group of Fireyball players, disappeared into the depths of the Enchanted Forest chasing after the Firey's head.

The unlucky chicken, now being the only 'ball' in play, flapped indecisively over The Bog. Fearing for her life, the helpless hen saw a gap in the ring of grasping hands, claws, paws and various weapons and flew hard towards it.

*Poof!*

The chicken was momentary blinded by a cloud of glitter. A leather gloved hand plucked her out of the air mid-flight. "Well, well, well." came the clipped voice of the Goblin King.

"What is the meaning of this!" The Goblin King's cold voice cracked like a whip over the The Bog of Eternal Stench, effectively pouring ice cold bog water over the emotional bonfire of the Fireyball game.

After a moment of stunned silence at their Monarch's arrival, chaos broke out with goblins, fairies, chickens and all other manner of creature all screaming, running and flying in opposite directions at once. Small pixies lifted flat stones and disappeared into the tunnels beneath, shaking their fists as they left. Fairies drunkenly took flight, collided then drifted away like late-summer bumblebees. A few goblins jumped on the back of other fleeing goblins, riding them to safety.

Jareth merely stood in an authoritative, trouser-flattering lunge, atop a large boulder pointing at random subjects with his riding crop, "Bog!", "Cleaners!", "Oubliette!" They magically vanished and re-appeared in their new, punishing realities.

So fearful of the King's wrath, one goblin immediately bogged himself. Running headlong off a long, straight log, he performed a cannonball into the stinking waters, which blew a large, wet, stinking raspberry in thanks.

In moments, the entire Fireyball tournament had dissolved back into the labyrinth. Restoring the cesspit to its original, foul state.

Jareth, grasping the chicken by the throat, held her up to his face and threatened, "Fly away now poultry, lest I turn you into a new cloak" then tossed the chicken over his shoulder who bounced once before taking flight.

The Goblin King looked out on his disgusting, empty bog with satisfaction. "That was easier than I expected." He thought. "Plenty of time left to prepare for Sarah's arrival".

Jareth took a moment to picture himself wooing a sultry Sarah into his arms, dancing her gracefully around his castle while serenading her with a new balled he'd been working on just for this occasion. Upbeat, but soulful, with a touch of synth. He hummed to himself and waltzed with an imaginary Sarah around a scraggly tree. He stopped when he remembered he had yet to select the perfect outfit for the evening. What to wear to such a momentous event? The day he would win his precious Sarah back to his side for good, it would need to be an unequivocal triumph. Jareth quickly became lost in his mental closet, perusing his collections of leather, suede and satin. Cloaks, capes and codpieces.

So lost, in fact, that he didn't immediately notice the noise which seemed to be moving at great speed through the forest towards him, nor did he see the blur of tangerine orange that flew over his shoulder until it spoke to him, "Mind yer head, yer Majesty!", the Firey head laughed, spinning in midair.

So, when the hulking form of Ludo came barreling out of a bush towards him at top speed, the Goblin King only had a split second in which to look thoroughly surprised before he was launched bodily into the centre of the Bog of Eternal Stench with an "Oof!" and a splat.

Sir Didymus, astride Ambrosius, pulled up short at the Bog's edge next to Ludo. "Oh, my brother, what have you done!" Didymus spoke fearfully.

The Goblin King's rage could be felt in rippling waves for miles around. The sky darkened perceptibly, thunder rumbled and lightening flashed in the distance. He fixed Ludo with an ice cold stare. A large drop of bog water ran down his sharp nose as the Bog pronounced another pent up, large wet, raspberry; spitting more slimy bog juice directly into the enraged King's soaked face.

The Firey head, which had landed safely in the upper branches of the scraggly tree, began laughing hysterically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you SO much for the reviews and I'm SO sorry this chapter took longer to happen!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the Labyrinth nor any of its wondrous characters. I just like making them dance to my merry tune!

Silver and blue streaks of glittery eye shadow ran down Jareth's face as he stood to his full height. Foul bog juice covered him from head to heel, sluicing down his ruined clothes. He ran a gloved hand over his face, further smearing his makeup until it loosely resembled a sort of fabulous camouflage war paint. In the old dead bog tree, the disembodied Firey’s head laughed even harder. Tears now streaming down it's furry face.

The Goblin King, silent in his white-hot rage, strode through knee-deep brown filth towards the shore where his unfortunate subjects stood. All the while he was trying desperately to block out the sensation of slimy water entering his boots and gathering around his toes, and the cold drip-drip of something sliding down his hair, into the neck of his shirt and between his shoulder blades. 

Sir Didymus snapped into action immediately, "Y..Your Majesty, a mishap, a mistake! We apologise profusely, my liege. You must understand...an accident, I..I told him not to play, Sire, didn't I Ludo?"  
Ludo wrinkled his face up as Jareth stepped onto their shore, "King smell baaad!", the gentle giant wafted a large hand in front of his nose.   
Thunder rumbled and lightening struck nearby as the Goblin King's temper snapped. A crystal appeared with a gesture of his left hand then danced into his right. With a deadly expression, he fixed each of them with a hard look. 

Sir Didymus gave out a little squeak. Ambrosius whimpered, Ludo shuffled from foot to lumbering foot looking remorseful. The Firey's head finally stopped laughing, the sound dying out like a worn down toy.

Jareth began in a low, icy tone, "I have neither the time, nor inclination, to explain to you idiotic, mindless, moronic beasts the gravity of what you have just done. The disaster you have caused for your King! LOOK AT ME! I should banish each of you for this malodorous act of treason!" He let this hang in the air for a moment, gliding the crystal over his hands. "Instead, you are all banished to the oubliettes, awaiting further retribution. You had better pray for my success for I assure you, my witless subjects, my failure in this endeavour is your end." With that, he threw the crystal at the small group who vanished from the Bog. 

Jareth, now alone, surveyed the state of his clothing. He plucked at the once-fine, lace trimmed shirt, which was now a sour brown-yellow rag and sighed. "Well, this outfit is ruined" he said before vanishing back to the castle.

When the Goblin King arrived back in the Throne Room, his subjects noticed there was, for once, no glitter. Just a pervasive stink that hung in the room like a putrid fog. The magic of the Bog of Eternal Stench was that, everyone smelt something a little different, all foul, like your own personal brand of vile. Dimwitted as they were, when the King returned, the goblins immediately begun taking bets on what the stench reeked of most.   
"Burnt chicken feathers!" shouted one goblin.  
"Hoggle's socks!" Bellowed another from the other side of the room.  
"Old scrambled eggs?" suggested a small goblin, twitching his long pointed nose.

Jareth squelched towards his throne, casually kicking a small, cackling goblin across the room as he did. "Quiet, imbeciles." he snapped "I'm in danger of having an aneurysm from the stress of trying to manage this kingdom"   
He casually summoned a crystal to eradicate the disgusting Bog aroma, throwing the crystal high into the air so that it landed on his head mid-step through his wet stroll to the throne.   
It did nothing.  
Perplexed but not yet panicking, Jareth stood still, summoned another crystal and this time popped it deliberately against his chest. Yet, the eye watering odor remained.   
The Goblin King turned a shade paler underneath the rancid muck and gulped hard as the enormity of the situation finally registered.   
"Why aren't these blasted crystals working?" he thought, "Sarah's coming and I smell like..."  
"...goblin cheese, yeah tha's it! Particularly tha thick, green crusty part!" Inane chatter from the Throne Room interrupted Jareth's thoughts.

"ENOUGH!" roared the king as he manifested a clock, stared at the time accusingly then wafted it into non-existence again. "I don't have time for this nonsense. Sarah is due to arrive in exactly 4 hours and 23 minutes and I smell like a toxic swamp! Make yourselves useful, you blithering fools, and clean this place up while I attempt to repair this travesty that I am been cruelly subjected to! I'm taking a shower!" With that Jareth stormed out of the Throne Room, a fragrance of foul delights following his path.

When Jareth materialised in his royal apartment within the castle, he strode with trepidation towards his full length mirror to take stock of his situation. A sound that Jareth would never admit to being a whimper, quietly escaped as he surveyed the disgusting bog creature reflected back at him.   
His clothes were soaked, nothing more than brown rags at this point. The smell coming off of them so pungent it caused his nostrils to ache. His face was a mess of dull glitter and black sludge. Worst of all, his hair looked sad. The once bright wisps now hung in clumps, entangled in something dark and stringy he didn't want to contemplate. The rest was plastered to his face and neck, dripping cold drops down his spine and torso.   
"Manure" Jareth's inner voice helpfully supplied, "That's what we smell like. The manure of a thousand constipated cows!"   
Jareth pouted and created another crystal, desperation driving a third fruitless attempt to magic the mess away. It popped to no avail taking any remaining hopes of a swift resolution with it, his shoulders slumped.  
"Into the shower with you, old boy. Let's hope gallons of scalding water can make this abominable stink disperse. Otherwise, I believe we may be doomed to bachelorhood for the rest of our days".  
________________

Back in Sarah's small apartment, she was frantically searching for something to wear. Still in utter disbelief that the Goblin King had really turned up again after so long and more than a little curious as to what he was up to, Sarah replayed the moment earlier that day to herself again.   
She’d thought about it happening half a hundred times over the years but had long ago got out of the habit of fantasizing about him. Sure, Sarah had tried to move past her adolescent feelings towards Jareth by dating ‘normal’ guys and constantly reminding herself that he was the bad guy in her story who stole her baby brother and gave her an hallucinogenic peach. But drugs and kidnapping aside, there had been some moments, tantalizing moments where she still remembered her heart beating like a bird stuck in a small cage. Closing her eyes she still felt the heat of his body as he leaned over her in the tunnels. "How are you enjoying my labyrinth?". She shuddered back to the present. He had awakened feelings in Sarah she had never known about before, and sadly, had never quite seemed to replicate since.   
She knew she was hopelessly attracted to him, it was hard not to be, but she didn't trust her feelings beyond that. He had a way of making her usual sensibilities turn to pudding.   
With that in mind, she tried to find something that reflected her womanly figure but kept a certain amount to the imagination. Settling on a beautiful cream dress which sat slightly off the shoulder and tied at the back and sides with corseted laces leaving it to flow loosely around her knees, Sarah looked woefully at her nibbled nails. "Were going to need nail varnish and glitter, lots of glitter."  
_____________

Jareth was pacing his king sized bathroom, a king sized towel wrapped low around his hips, trying to think of an idea he hadn't already tried. When the near boiling water and various concoctions of soaps and scents failed to do anything more than wash off the oily bog juice, the Goblin King had begun experimenting with cleaning products from both the Underground and the Aboveground. Littered around the stately looking bathroom counters were lotions, potions and open bottles of super-strength bleach promising to kill 99.9% of all known bacteria but apparently not the offensive bog stench which still hung in the air wherever he went. He had scrubbed, lathered, rinsed and repeated until his usually pale skin was started to look a little tormented. 

A large clock was suspended in mid-air on one side of the room, counting down the time until Sarah's expected arrival. Jareth had spent over 2 hours with his failed attempts leaving him only 1 hour and 54 precious minutes left to figure this out. One thing he was sure of was that after years upon years of waiting for Sarah and then further waiting for her to mature out of her girlhood, he was not going to finally win her to his side smelling like a neglected pig pen.

Open books from his personal library sat propped on the edge of a large marble tub. Jareth checked a passage regarding Greek methods of cleaning surgical equipment then materialised a bathtub full of juniper berries. "Well, here goes" he announced to the room as he gracefully stepped into the deep tub of blueberry sized balls. Squirming around to find a good position, he belatedly remembered they were meant to be crushed, he snapped his fingers and all of the small, blue berries simultaneously crushed themselves causing the powerful astringent properties to begin to seep into the Goblin King's bare skin. Jareth pulled a face as the skin all over his body began to pucker and tingle, he tentatively sampled the air but still the pervasive odor remained.

"DAMNATION!" he bellowed as he stomped out of the tub, berries rolling all over the floor. "There has to be a solution to this, I bog things all the time!" He resumed pacing. "There must be a way of ridding oneself of this stink or no one would ever be allowed back inside the castle walls" he thought to himself. "I'd have bogged the entire population by now and therefore would have enjoyed relative peace and quiet years ago!"

An idea struck and Jareth dressed himself with a thought, "The Wiseman has been around a long time and often visited by the denizens of the Labyrinth." He glanced at his reflection as he passed the mirror. Whilst the black goop had now all been removed, it was as if the strength of the foul aroma was so potent it was causing his hair to wilt. Freshly cleaned but smelling rancid, the blond locks looked dull and flat, his skin was pallid and his whole presence seemed like a faded version of himself. Even his painted eyes had less sparkle.  
Jareth ran a gloved hand over his face, miserable at his situation.

He walked to the window, swiftly transformed himself into a snowy white barn owl and took flight out of the window. High above the Labyrinth, wind buffeting his wings, he noticed that even in his owl form the smell still clung. His sharp owl senses were repulsed by it.   
As he swooped down to land on a statue near The Wiseman, his obnoxious avian hat swiftly turned to look at him. "What happened to you? You smell like a startled skunk!" it stated without preamble.  
Transforming back into his usual appearence, he leered down over the hat. "Watch your beak, bird, I'm in no mood for this. Wake your companion, I have urgent need of his advice".  
"HA!" it exclaimed "His advice, what a waste!" The bird leaned down to peck The Wiseman sharply on the nose. "Wake up! The King needs you", "Umphh, huh?" came the reply as the old man unfurled himself from his hunched position, "What's this? King? Ah, yes. How may I be of assistance?"

"In case you failed to notice, I've been exposed to The Bog of Eternal Stench and I'm finding the stink rather difficult to remove." the King stated imperiously.   
The Wiseman delicately sniffed the air, "Hmph, well, yes, 'Eternal' is not a word to be bandied around lightly, Sire". The Goblin King gave him a look that promised death.  
"Hum, hum, let's see. Have you tried Goblin Ale?" The Wiseman suggested.  
"I beg your pardon?" Jareth pulled an incredulous face.  
"Hmm, yes, soak yourself in it, yes, yes, that was it", the old man muttered half to himself.  
Jareth stared hard at the Wiseman. "You wish for me to saturate myself in - what my hopeless subjects lovingly refer to as - ale? Are you mad?"   
“Most definitely!” Chirped up the bird faced hat. “Quiet, you!” The Wiseman chided.  
The Goblin King rolled his eyes.  
“You will find the ale to be, hmm, most potent, your Majesty. Most potent, hmm.” With that, The Wiseman, drifted back off to sleep and began loudly snoring.  
“Well, that’s your lot!” Announced the hat, “Please leave a contrib..agghh!” With Jareth’s gloved hand wrapped around his throat, the bird stopped talking.   
Jareth cocked his head to the side as he regarded the hat's beady yellow eyes, “You tell me so little then expect recompense?”  
When the bird simply opened its beak once or twice silently the Goblin King released the bird with a negligent shrug. “I don’t know what I must have been thinking coming here!” Jareth lamented.  
After a brief fit of coughing, the hat sniffled, “Didn’t I say it was a waste of time, eh?” It laughed, “Goblin ale is strong though, if bathing in it doesn’t work, you could always drink it. You probably won’t be able to smell anything afterwards!” The bird hat chuckled to itself before a little box appeared from The Wiseman’s folds, jingling lightly.  
Exasperated, Jareth produced an elaborate gold pocket watch on a long chain out of thin air, he swiftly consulted the time before dropping it into the box which promptly retracted into the rags. 

After a short flight back to the castle, Jareth immediately summoned a squad of goblins to retrieve as much of their strongest ale as they could carry from the cellars. He didn’t hold much stock in The Wiseman’s advice but he had little else to go on. With only 47 minutes left, the king was desperate. His only reassurance was that everyone who had ever visited the Goblin City quickly found out just how powerful Goblin Ale truly was. If anything was going to work, this was it.

An insistent tugging on his sleeve drew him from his musings. A slim goblin with a profoundly large nose who had been helping to carry in the barrels of ale was trying to get his attention. "What is it?" the Goblin King asked. As the goblin held his obtrusive nostrils closed by pinching them between his finger and thumb, he squeaked "For you, King!, he proudly held out a large, menacing object to the king. It was blatantly a crude attempt at a home made bath brush, it had the long wooden handle so he would be able to wash his back, some bristles that looked suspiciously like boar but where it really differed was the loops of razor wire and chicken feathers. "For cleaning!" announced the goblin, "It's the one we all use to get the bad smell off!"  
Disgusted, Jareth muttered his thanks before throwing the offending item out of the nearest tower window.

After filling the large tub with the strong smelling ale, Jareth once again submerged himself.   
A feeling of despondency began to take hold of the king when he realised that this, too, wasn’t working. Whilst the ale didn’t seem to alleviate the strong, bog odor that seeped from his every pore, it did begin to make the mercurial monarch feel a little bit woozy after sitting in it a while. “What's the point in trying anymore, why would anyone want to live with hair like this!" he cried to the ceiling, "Sarah's going to take one look at me and run right back home again!" he sulked further into his bathwater. "Perhaps I should just drown my sorrows in ale. It can't be any worse than that revolting back scrubber” He mused. The appealing warm, yeasty smell of the ale combined with the frustrating day he had had drove the Goblin King to the monumentally irrational decision of sampling a cup of the potent ale. Which led to another, which led, somewhat inevitably, to the Goblin King wearing only a low slung bath towel, draped languorously over his throne, singing. 

His audience of goblins were swaying from side to side, cups and flagons held high as they joined in sloppily with the chorus of the Goblin King's new 'Sarah Song', as they called it. A large, oversized grandfather clock sat to the right of the Goblin King's arced throne, it was showing only ten minutes left until Sarah's expected 8 pm arrival.  
Finishing with a drunkenly dramatic and wobbly flourish, Jareth quaffed down more of the thick, black ale.  
"She'll never love me now, chaps, this is it for us. Your noxious monarch and his ugly little subjects! We'll drink like this every night." Some of the goblins cheered, most turned a little green, having already drunk themselves into oblivion earlier that day at the Bog party. One goblin grabbed his neighbors helmet and vomited heavily into it. "Sorry!" he said as he handed it back to it's owner, who simply stared cross-eyed at it's contents and hiccuped.  
"I did everything for her, you know," confessed Jareth, "She asked that the child be taken, I took him!" he declared loud and indignantly, "She cowered before me, and I was frightening" he laughed menacingly, "I reordered time, I turned the..." Jareth froze where he was sat, "Wait now, THAT'S IT!"  
Jareth jumped up from his throne, a little too quickly as he had to find his balance again before he could continue. Holding tightly onto the fluffy towel around his waist Jareth announced to the room "I'll reorder time to before, when, any of this... oh sod it. I'm going to fix it!" Drunk as a skunk and smelling reminiscent of one too, Jareth disappeared with only his bath towel and a goblet of strong ale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry the wait was SO long. Blame the lifespan of the common cold and unreliable nurseries! Hopefully the length of this chapter somewhat makes up for it!
> 
> Thanks for all the reviews! I will try to reply to these this weekend now that the whopper of Chapter 4 is behind me!

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Just want to thank Lixxle for not only the inspiration to get back on the writing wagon, but for also poking me until this story came into existence!
> 
> Please review if you like it, feel free to point out all of my mistakes, I appreciate constructive criticism!


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